For the past 4 months I have been battling with Anxiety and trying to keep my head above water.
I have spent so long trying to make other people happy and doing what I can to make sure everyone around me was having the best time that I forgot about the most important person. Me.
The thing is – I didn’t even notice that I was neglecting myself. Ok I was eating healthily and exercising regularly. But I wasn’t making time for me, I never had 10 minutes just to chill out and I found it super hard to say no. I hated being alone and I feared having a night where I didn’t see someone or go out of the house. I hated my own company and the thing I hated the most was seeing other people having fun without me.
If I had plans and couldn’t make a night with the girls I would always concentrate on what they were doing, checking snap chat, Facebook and Instagram to see if they had uploaded any pictures. I was so consumed in what they were doing that I often ruined my own evening.
God forbid they went out without inviting me – that really did send me on a down ward spiral. I couldn’t appreciate that I don’t have to be invited to everything. Sometimes friends do want to meet up in smaller groups, or have 1:1 coffees and drinks! It doesn’t mean they specifically don’t want to see you – it was never ever a personal attack – but it really did feel like it.
The signs had been around for quite a long time – not being able to make decisions because I was always worried about the outcome. What if I chose the wrong option? What if I book this and they don’t like it? I couldn’t go shopping and buy something without asking someone’s opinion. Even then I would more than likely not buy it because I would convince myself that I didn’t need it. I was wearing jeans 2 sizes too big, tops that were years old and too big, shoes that had holes in, but I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything.
The main problem for me was how good I was at hiding how I was feeling from 99% of the people I know. When I applied my make up in the morning I also applied my mask, got myself together, go to work happy, smiley, do what I needed to do then come home. Convincing others that everything was all hunky dory was my way of coping – I was trying to convince myself that I was ok too. I did not want to face how I was feeling or what was really going on. I’ve always liked to think I was the strong one so admitting that I was not ok didn’t seem an option. Saying that I’ve had a bad day was never a problem, that I could admit, but actually admitting the extent of it would mean I would have to face it myself.
It took for me to work myself up into such a mess one day that S couldn’t see me put myself through it any more. I left work and went to meet him and S to get it all out on the table. They were the only two people who I felt that I could finally really admit that I was not ok to. I finally took myself to the doctors and got signed off work.
So for the last 2 1/2 months I have been off work and concentrating on trying to get myself better. I’ve quit my job because it was not making me happy. I’ve moved to Manchester and I’ve been doing things for me. I’ve been going to the doctors every two weeks and I’ve been signed up for counselling.
More than any fitness story you’ll read about me – my mental health is my biggest work in progress!